Fiction: Losing the future through the past.

                               Was it the sound of  the gradual water,..slowly dripping from the spicketed faucet at 2:30 A.M.,..the outlined porcelain frame of the bathroom sink. You left the hall light on in the middle of the night,.. while the scattered sounds of the urban streets spread shadows on your bedroom wall. The city humidity was ruthless when we first met. My nerves were also wrecked. I think you were sleeping above your familiar bedsheets,.while I laid there next to you on my back staring up at the sordid light flickering around your ceiling fan. I wondered how you could sleep at all,... amidst the dreaded summer heat.
                            My mind restless with alcohol and amphetamine,.... provided nothing for my realm of thought,...save feelings of despair and hatred towards my physical presence. I  wondered if you were dreaming,... and if you were,.. what you were dreaming about.?    We were going through the early stages of our relationship,..these were the good days. I remember how timid I was on our first encounters. I'd have to drown myself in booze to settle the unbearable anxiety of everything then.
                            I was a waiter at the restaurant next door to the one that you waited tables at. I would dress myself in black and put on a smile for the paying regulars. I never realized how any of them could work up the appetite to digest a whole entree. I would frequent  the restroom about forty times a shift due to my impulsive bladder,..or to powder my nose with temporary fulfillment. It got the best of me as I worked through my time at the establishment exponentially.
                           It was in mid August,...her family was out of town on vacation down the shore. We sat in her well furnished family room. I sat there shaking,...clinging onto a cold open can of domestic beer,..holding it up above my leg for desirable relief,.. I pounded these things,..put them down like water,..I was thirsty,..and I couln't get enough. Did it ever occur to you how messed up I was in those days?,..or were you like me?  Were you experiencing the thick denial that garnished my soul,..covering up long days of work, no rest.........resigning our love,..and for what?                         
                            I remember  sitting there in your family's designated area of relaxation,..among the suburban cushions of protective similarities. I glanced up at your senior year photograph from high school. It was then that I made the conscious decision never to let you go,...somewhere along the edge of the sky,...pre dawn,....the silver outline of our future bursted into flames,....and at the drop of a hat,...gone. Everything we ever did,....all the plans we ever made for the future,...disintegrated from the depths of the morning sky,...   myriad birds migrating south for the winter.,...formed a triangle up among the Autumn clouds,...with small spaces in between their formation,......you were bigger than the spaces.