Baby's got issues.

                               Her last bender was a chronological disaster,..monumentally demoralizing, and stating the obvious extremely sad. She went back and forth between two neighboring area hospitals. Getting deported from the first one for sucking the Purell out of the hand sanitizer dispenser. When I went to visit her in the ER she seemed to be filled with sedative and hopelessness. She laid there flat on her back staring up at the ceiling while the television played the same commercials in the same order. She wasn't always this way.
                             When I first met her a few years back she would still get motivated with the little things in her life. She would even get that wild-eyed expression (which is the reason I fell in love with her) if I brought up anything she felt passionate about,.(her family, art, her future). We'd spend dreary nights in the same dive bar uptown discussing things we would do when the seasons changed, never taking the time to examine how empty we were at that present moment. We would feed off each others instincts and mask our love with endless charades of desperation.  I'd always experience the morning after blues, she would always take the morning after pills. We would break-up every other day, then rush back to one another. Who was I kidding, I always knew it would be like this.    
                         The real devastating part about our relationship was the fact that we were dishonest with everything and everyone including ourselves. We would catch ourselves telling each other the same lie repeatedly, then would come an argument that would be followed with oblivion. The cycle would begin again. Never sparing each other the comfort and knowledge of truth. The warning sides were there, only for our entertainment it seemed. Our conversations these days dwindle somewhere in between sympathy and fact of the matter. The only thing different about now is that we both realize all this matters, perhaps to us too much.
                      When she tried to take her own life last November , I shook it off almost overnight, like a  bad case of fleas. She seemed willing to change for a whole twenty minutes when we exited the hospital. Then just like magic we disappeared into the city night and all it had to offer. All that held any significance in our relationship rested solely on how we felt and nothing more. All I ever had was this life and a superficial existence. My identity would shift as simply as what situation I was in, or how much money I had. When I had money I was every one's best friend and I loved everyone. When I was broke I would cry out to the star-filled night like a desolated werewolf.
                      Needless to say no problem resolves itself. She and I like the earth, sky and constellations need each probably more then ever.